My wife's father is wealthy, flamboyant, controlling, has a huge ego, and likes to show how generous he is, yet it's directed far more to his stepchildren than to his own.

We live in another city, so my wife receives even less than her older sisters who stayed in their hometown.

It may sound like I'm whining, but my wife's the most accomplished of all the children (has her own company), never gave her father or stepmother any trouble (unlike the others), and never asks for anything.

Yet I see she feels hurt/ignored when she hears her step-siblings were taken on expensive vacations with their spouses and children and that her sisters also get regular monetary help, while we get a dinner out when her father comes to town.

We're okay on our own, but have to budget carefully due to the cost of living and raising kids in a big city. I want to tell her father that it's unfair to treat my wife like an outsider, but I'm afraid he might turn his back on her completely.

Your thoughts?

Protective or Provocative?

There's a big risk to you speaking up to Mr. Big Shot about his flaws: Instead of caring how he's affecting your wife, he'll likely take your comments as a personal insult.

And he will think you're whining... that it's all about your wanting handouts and feeling jealous. However, if your wife wants to deal with her father-daughter relationship, she must find a way to approach him, and ask why he chooses to be more generous to the others than her.

But, knowing her father better, she likely has some intuition about his actions:

1) He may be pressured by his wife to enrich her children; if insecure in his marriage (as flamboyant people often are, underneath the show) he's trying to impress her.

2) He may admire your wife's success and feel you two don't need any help.

Consider this - No handouts means no controls. You two choose where and how you live, AND you're managing. You're the lucky ones.

My friend's a lawyer, 49, who's been divorced and single for years, then recently fell for a man, 53, within weeks of meeting him. They're already engaged!

While he appears "a great catch," I heard otherwise from someone that he's had several relationships which ended badly; that he's twice made and lost money, so it could happen again; that he's been seen at a strip joint.

Do I warn my friend now or investigate further before telling her?

Worried

No, Sherlock, do NOT investigate another woman's guy, based on a rumour or anything else (other people's jealousy?). Don't even hint to your friend about this gossip as you'll risk never seeing her again.

At 49, it's her job to look beneath her first impressions and assure herself that what she sees is what she's getting. By this man's age and stage, it's natural that he had other relationships.... how they ended is a one-sided story unless you know his version, too.

Your friend may also be less interested in his past than you are, if she's sure she can live with and continue to love the man he is now.

Moreover, whoever saw him at the strip joint was also present, so what's the point? When you're hearing rumours meant to create suspicion and doubts about someone, ask: What's the motivation? And if you insist on "warning" your friend, ask yourself, what's really YOUR purpose?

I initially had trouble with my neighbour - her teenage kids were noisy at night with their "garage band," and some of their food debris would inevitably end up on my lawn after their sessions. When I was tired or frustrated I sometimes chewed out her kids. Other times, I wrote her harsh letters. Naturally, it was a strained relationship.

Then I somehow calmed down. I talked to the kids more, asked about their music, even bought them a couple of classic rock CD's which they loved. When I travelled, I brought back t-shirts for them, or specialty foods for their Mom. It changed things around and the kids became thoughtful about cleaning up, and buffering the sounds when possible.

Life's Lessons

There's wisdom and compassion in the biblical phrase, "Love your neighbour as yourself." By reaching out, you got back more than cleanliness and peace - you earned caring and respect.