I'm 34 and love my husband (together 12 years).
He’s 42, and has a chronic illness. I’m the breadwinner, cook, cleaner, etc.
We have no children.
He makes me laugh, feel smart, and pretty. He’s my best friend but sometimes I feel more like his mother or sister, not his romantic life partner.
His illness and the meds he takes make for a limited love life.
Recently, I saw my first love at a reunion party. I’m smitten.
He’s everything my partner isn’t. He’s MORE attractive than he was at 18. He has a good job working with children, is into yoga, and is generally active.
We talked for hours and I felt a serious attraction.
I imagined how we could have children and I’d have a partner who could easily satisfy me sexually, and help me in day-to-day chores.
I have no delusions about leaving my husband and living happily ever after with this man.
But how do I reconcile my "what-if" feelings so I can continue to be a good wife and still find happiness with my husband?
Also, this other man and I have so much in common, I’d like to stay in touch.
Until I get this crush in check, is a friendship a bad idea?
Devoted Wife’s Dilemma
If ever there was a crush waiting to happen, it’s this one – on a man with potential for every option to your current life.
But that doesn’t mean he’s the right man. Or, the only option.
Should you maintain a friendship when you’re still second-guessing yourself?
Instead, re-examine your life. Maybe you can raise a child in this marriage, with help and support from family/friends.
Or, maybe your husband’s the person with whom you now want to maintain a loving friendship, instead of marriage.
This crush is a warning signal that you may or may not need change. Otherwise, a complicating affair may happen before you know what you really want.
I’m a man, 52, in good shape, with a great job. My ex and I split five years ago.
Our son, 10, is with each of us half the time. We eat together with our son three to four times a week, spend Christmas and birthdays together, and see each other or call almost every day.
I’m happy, she’s happy.
There’s no sex, and no desire by either to get back together.
When I date, I’m clear and upfront about the relationship with my ex.
Understandably, some are scared off immediately or eventually. Or, I end things because it’s too awkward, e.g. I want to spend next Christmas with my ex and son.
Including someone else would make it less enjoyable.
So, unless I meet someone with whom I’m mutually attracted, and who’s in a similar situation, I’ll continue without romantic dinners, sex, etc. (If my ex ever started a relationship, I’d be very happy for her.)
Am I Doomed?
You’re only as “doomed” as you allow.
It’s up to you to re-create a life that includes some of what’s missing.
Your last sentence reads like wishful thinking: IF your ex were coupled with someone, you’d be… what? Free?
You don’t have to wait on her move.
What puts potential dates off is your tight relationship with your ex. If you want a future of romance and sex, make some adjustments. It’s as simple as Christmas for family, New Year’s for romance.
Your ex may want the same things. Eventually, if both of you care for someone else, your son and you will adjust again.
My father-in-law started dating his colleague one month after his wife died.
She’s very controlling. She's moving in, and says that we can’t keep toys there for our baby. We must always call before we visit.
Neither he nor his late wife was like this before. He loved visits from his sons.
I tried to tell her that I think we could get along better.
She pointed her finger in my face and said that she’s stronger than me and there’ll be new house rules.
Your father-in-law is relying on her for a new life.
But her house rules don’t have to mean the kids can’t see their grandfather.
Invite them over, and if she won’t come, get your husband to pick up his father and bring him for a visit.
If that doesn’t work, his sons should privately explain that he’ll lose touch with his own grandkids.
Tip of the day:
Treat a married “crush” as a warning signal of restlessness.