My boyfriend of 12 years (dating since our teens) cheated on me four years ago. I found this out eight months after the last time he saw this woman.

He said it was over, and that he knew he wanted to be with me, but kept going back, making a bad decision.

This all happened during a period where my career was flourishing and he was struggling to find his career path.

He was unable to contribute much financially and secretly suffered from low self-esteem.

He says it was finally over after the last  time he saw her, but they still spoke from time to time as friends because he didn't want to hurt her.

I believe that he realized he made a huge mistake and mistreated me.

But even after these past four months of both of us working on our relationship, I still hurt daily.

I feel dumb and deceived, and can't get this woman off of my mind. I'm not sure I ever will.

Heart-broken and Ego-wounded

You’re either trying to stay together or you’re not.

You wisely show some understanding of what was troubling him enough back then, to make this poor decision, rather than be open about his low feelings.

But you don’t seem to understand as yet that this isn’t about the other woman. Forget her. It’s about you and him, period.

What should’ve been obvious at the time – you flourishing, him struggling – is now a wake-up call. When there’s an imbalance in one area of the relationship, there needs to be awareness on both sides that it can cause problems in another area.

And that should prompt conversation and compassion about how each is feeling.

His straying was  not your fault. I’m saying that, for your relationship to recover and flourish again, both of you need to be tuned in to each other and to yourselves. That’s especially needed when there’s a change or upset.

It can happen with pregnancy, an ill parent, change of job, etc. One partner feels stressed, or pre-occupied, or self-absorbed, and it causes a reaction in the other.

Now you know what this is really about.

And you’re way past dealing with your  relationship the way you did before, starting from your teens.

If you can’t stop focusing on what you both see as his past “mistake,” instead of on how to move forward together, it’s crucial that you get couples’ counselling.

This guy I was in a relationship with texted me asking if I liked it better with us being friends.

I was like, idk (translation for those who need it: I don’t know), and then he hasn't texted me back. Does this mean he wants to break up?

Confused Girlfriend

If he hasn’t texted back for a few days, he’s finished with the relationship. Or you should be, since he can’t be bothered to be clear about why he was asking for “friendship.”

Relationship by text is pretty limited anyway. Maybe it makes you feel part of something special to be in a constant back and forth of abbreviated chatter with someone.

But it provides nothing of the warmth, fun, personal growth and boosted self-confidence that comes from doing and talking about shared interests, and learning about each other’s lives.

In fact, friendship often provides more of all that than a text-obsessed “relationship.” So maybe he was sending a message that’s better for both of you.

 

COMMENTARY The situations your readers present, show just one person’s perspective. If the story came from the other person involved, it’d likely be totally different.

My suggestion: Respond to each person seeking advice that she/he should ask their significant other  to submit something independently.

Then, after you’ve read the initial request, you’d send back asking for them to pass on this message: “Your partner’s asked for my advice on ____. What’s your take on this situation?”

Then you can comment from a position of greater knowledge.

It’d mean more work and fewer submissions, but it’d be far more meaningful and valid.

Ellie – Interesting for other readers, perhaps, like a capsulized drama. However, it’d change my focus from the writer’s feelings to judging who’s right and who’s wrong.

But relationships work from an emotional base, and helping people better understand themselves is how advice hopefully leads to healthy changes, rather than a win or lose decision.