My stepdaughter is 16. We've been through the drugs, older boyfriends, failing and ditching school. Not to mention her mother who's beyond difficult to deal with!

Lately, the girl constantly misplaces belongings at our home or her mother's, and then she and her mother accuse me and/or my kids of stealing/hiding things. When the item's found (usually at her mother's home), no apologies despite ugly and rude accusations.

The latest one: Torn underwear was "cut up with scissors" by my teenage son. There's no proof, no logical reason why he'd supposedly do this and no signs of dishonesty from him when questioned. My kids and I are hurt and angry over repeated accusations. What can we do to stop this?

Disturbed

The girl seeks attention in negative ways, encouraged by a mother who clearly resents your family. It's likely if you "fix" one aspect of your stepdaughter's behaviour, another problem will emerge.

But you and your kids need to get past "hurt" and recognize how troubled she is. Her father should be at the forefront of recognizing this and wanting to help her.

She needs re-assurance that she's accepted and welcome in your home, and counselling as to how to accept her family situation.

But her mother may object, unless your husband presents this as a need for family counselling and invites his ex into the process, since she's a major part of the girl's life. He's not to blame the mother, but do his best to include her and respect that she's an important influence on the girl (for better or worse).

If you all truly want this teenager to become honest, responsible, and secure, this is your best chance.

Ten years ago, I fell for a man who was married and a dozen years younger. I was in a frenzy of attraction to him. I didn't meet his wife for over a year (he and I were in a poetry-writing group that met fortnightly). When I did, I felt terrible jealousy.

I restrained myself, and got over it. This couple are among my closest friends now. All this time I've lived alone very happily, now retired. I can't say strongly enough how glad I am that I did not give in to this, even though I still feel occasional twinges of attraction for him. I like them both, and we do things (dinners, plays) as a threesome about once a month. Now I can truthfully say that I would never want to hurt her - or him.

The High Road

You gained from your self-restraint, in many ways - friendship, self-respect, and compassion.

We're a group of "mature" women, late-70's, with one friend who's given up on personal hygiene and is very unpleasant to be around. She still dresses nicely (when she isn't covered in cat hair), and tries to brush her hair (the front part anyway), but her body odor is atrocious and we can't seem to tell her we don't want to be around her because she smells so bad. Please help us to do the right thing!

Awkward

Get her to a doctor! She may be too embarrassed to deal with bladder or bowel incontinence, or suffering some effects of dementia. If you know her family, recommend they arrange for periodic home care (includes bathing.) If she only has you, be true friends and tell her honestly that she needs this kind of help in order to continue socializing with your group or anyone else.

FEEDBACK Regarding a wife's "contribution" to a husband's affair (April 7):

Reader - "After 27 years of marriage, I was completely blindsided when my then-husband left me for another woman with whom he'd been having an affair. He'd never communicated that he was unhappy or wasn't getting what he needed. While I take half the responsibility for our relationship, I take no responsibility for his cheating or the actions of the other woman (his co-worker) who clearly knew he was very married and a father of three.

"He's 100% responsible for his actions and the pain/anger/expense that followed.

"To anyone who's considering an extra-marital affair, I strongly suggest that you give your marriage all you're willing to. If it ultimately doesn't work, have the decency to end the relationship before starting up another one. I can assure you that a separation without the extra participant is less painful and expensive for all."