My wife and I have been in a second marriage for 20 years, yet we still can't discuss our adult children from our previous marriages without fighting.

Her daughter, now 32, has never accepted me and has used her mother's guilt from the divorce to milk her for financial and emotional support. She's never worked.

She "backpacked" around Europe after college, sending home emergency requests to bail her out of difficulties (supporting a guy who was broke, renting a room she couldn't afford, damaging someone else's bike, etc.).

Since she's home, she's taken courses to "upgrade," but somehow there's a reason why she never gets hired anywhere. She lives with a boyfriend who also shows no ambition, only works part-time, and always hitting up her mother for cash.

But my wife gets defensive when I raise this, and says she can't let her daughter end up on the streets, and she'll spend her own hard-earned money as she pleases. I fear it's going to split us up.

Wit's End

"It" can't split a marriage, but either of you can if you don't agree on what issues you can compromise on, and which ones are best left alone.

Yes, sometimes couples agree to disagree on some sensitive topics, and it's not uncommon for these to arise where children from previous unions are involved.

If your wife truly has "her own money" and her use of it isn't affecting your lifestyle together in any significant way, then the tension between you is not financial, it's a battle of wills. You believe what she's doing is based on guilt and therefore "wrong," while she believes it's based on emotional ties and okay.

Trust me, in her heart, she wishes even more than you that her daughter would become independent, but with you pressuring her to stop supporting her daughter, it intensifies her reaction to "rescue" her.

Back off. Take yourself out of this mother-daughter dynamic. When she raises it or even asks for advice, say you believe it's between them, and if she has doubts about how she's handling things, she should talk to a professional counselor, for her daughter's sake as well as her own.

I'm early-40s, have a good job and have never married because I've not met the right person for me. I know this to be true, yet some family and friends will ask me questions like, "So when are you going to find a husband?"

Even men I meet will somehow ask, "What's the matter with you?" as if I have some flaw that prevents my marrying.

What can I say to stop this intrusive questioning? It makes me feel like a loser!

Fed Up

There are two conversations needed - one with your rude inquisitors, another with yourself.

First, toss off a light response to the others, as in, "When I find him, you'll be the first to know!" Then change the subject. If they persist, repeat: "I'll call you the minute it happens.... How's your job going?"

Second, examine your internal response. If you doubt your own reasons, re-examine them.

Example: Have you been so focused on looks, income, job status, etc. that you've missed the other good qualities a guy has? Or, have you been afraid to trust men, or to do the work of maintaining a close connection?

So long as you're honest with yourself

about why you haven't found Mr. Right yet, the question simply reflects others' curiosity, nothing more.

My daughter's son, 14, and daughter, 15, moved to their father's home. He's re-married, has a bigger house, can afford more of the "goodies" they want and is more generous when they're with him than with her. That's his form of control.

But my daughter and I are devastated that they won't respond to our emails or visit us. She has legal access to them but they say they're too busy with homework, sports, or their friends.

Frustrated

It's difficult, but have faith and keep up your outreach. Send emails about things that interest them, not about pleas to get together. Send cards for occasions, a book you think they'll like, and other small items that show a connection to their tastes.

For now, they're avoiding a loyalty conflict, to feel more secure. In just a few years, they'll be able to respond, and the bond you've maintained will be accessible again.