Last week, my bride of 50 years drove the two blocks to our community mailbox. Roads were slippery, so I watched for her safe return. After 20 minutes I was concerned, starting to go find her just as she drove in.    
      She explained that she’d met a man (a stranger), at the mailboxes and had a pleasant (15-minute) chat with him that delayed her.     
      My reaction: What is she doing talking to a strange man for 15 minutes, exchanging addresses, etc. when she must have known I’d be worried if she didn’t come home in less than five minutes? Am I wrong to feel hurt … or more?
      - Upset

Your worry heightened your reaction. After 50 years, you know whether your wife is 1) just friendly, 2) easily chatty, or 3) sometimes naïve. You also know that the likelihood of her starting something “more” – such as an outside romance – is minimal.    
      Nevertheless, she shouldn’t exchange addresses with strangers without some very good reason, but she probably realizes that now that you’ve reacted so strongly.
      Your concern for her safety is natural, but don’t let it make you panicky or jealous. Let this pass.

I'm in my 50s, the mother of a son, 30, who’s been manipulated by my sister for years, effectively sabotaging his relationship with me.    
      It’s her pattern: She came between my mother and me when we were children; now, my son sends her copies of his emails to me, calls her first and visits her before coming to see me. I'd like some time with him without fighting her for custody. Is it worth the effort or have I lost the battle?
      - Distraught

Visit your son on his turf and reach out to him, without discussing issues you have with his aunt. Show him your interest in his life, his work, his future plans and don’t raise why he doesn’t call or visit you first.     
      Get out of the “custody” battle with your sister, by joining her instead of trying to win. Next time your son’s expected, invite her to get together with you and him. Arrange to all go out together for a meal, coffee, a movie, whatever.    
      She may be manipulative, but you can come up with healthy strategies to bypass this.

FEEDBACK A number of readers responded to a question from a woman struggling to handle an aging mother diagnosed as a classic narcissist (January 15 column). Here’s one commentary:      
      Reader – “Under no circumstances should she let her mother move in with her. Classic narcissists (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) have no idea - and won’t accept - that there’s anything the matter with them.    
      “They’ll always make the other person feel something’s wrong with them, instead. This woman needs to find the emotional strength and financial means to make sure her mother doesn’t live with her.     
      “However, her mother will do everything to make her feel guilty. It's a no-win situation and that is why it’s often necessary to cut off contact completely.     
      “Many therapists aren’t aware of how destructive classic narcissists are and like many classic narcissists, the mother will get worse as she ages.    
      “I’ve had experience with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (an ex-husband and an adult child). I've seen people's lives destroyed by classic narcissists and I fear this daughter could fall into that category.    
      “She should know that friends can take the place of family when “family” isn’t simply dysfunctional, but in fact, harmful.”

There are fears in my household. Relatives on my Dad's side are coming from Europe and they’ve mostly been disrespectful to me and I’m uncomfortable.     
      I've never talked to them about it, I’d probably get a big slap in the face. I've told my Mom and she tries to help, but it’s no use. What should I do?
      - Scared

If you fear physical and emotional abuse from these people, you must speak to your mother again and both of you must speak to your father.     
      If these relatives will be staying in your house or around a lot – and there’s no satisfying reassurance about your parents’ help, suggest that you stay at a friend’s house, or at a trusted other family member or family friend’s home.    
      Be aware: If there’s any incident of harm or threat to you, you should go to the police. Your personal safety takes precedence over family pride.