I dated a man long distance for a year; we saw each other every month, for a week, when he worked in my city. We were instantly attracted, and he stayed with me after our first week. I thought I’d found my soul mate, at 37.

He said he’d been separated for two years and was now going through the divorce process, which was slow. He was trying to avoid nastiness for the sake of the two children (adolescents).

My friends also thought he was terrific. I once flew to his city for a work project of my own, but he said he had to be out of town and had me meet him there for the weekend.

A month ago, my male friend was in his city and tried to get in touch. By sheer accident, he discovered that my “soul mate” still lives with his wife.

When confronted by me, he cried, admitting that he’s not separated, never was, but he does love me and is deeply sorry.

I’m torn between hating him, feeling humiliated, yet still loving him, and hoping he’ll leave his wife.

Heartbroken Believer

Reality check #1: He’s not leaving her.

Anyone who can maintain a deliberate deceit for a year, knowing he’ll eventually devastate you, has no conscience, and no internal pressure to change the game.

Reality check #2: He’s a rat – to his wife and kids, and to you. He’s not your “soul mate,” but a fantasy of a man, with no integrity within. You can never trust him again.

Value yourself higher than this flim-flam artist.

Don’t take his calls or respond to any contact. He’ll only lie.

I’m a woman doctor, well respected. I married right after University; we divorced amicably after two years (no children).

I had two relationships that lasted over five years each, and then met the man of my dreams three years ago. I’m 42; he’s 49, and a successful architect. We have a fantastic relationship. However, he has two adult children from his previous marriage and is of a different culture and religion.

We’re fine with that, but his parents aren’t. They constantly try to undermine us, even badmouthing our union to his children who are uncomfortable with me. His mother, especially, has convinced them he’ll become distanced from them and their children because of his life with me.

It feels ridiculous to be blocked in moving forward, at this age. Yet his mother’s a controlling force.

My family adores him, but that also makes his relatives think they’ll “lose” him when they hear he had dinner with my family at Christmas. He visits his children at his parents’ home on their religious days, but I’m not welcome.

Can strong love and mutual respect surmount these obstacles?

Blocked Happiness

Use the intelligence and problem-solving skills you already have. Love and mutual respect are only the beginning. A lasting relationship requires work – in this case, making accommodation for others to whom you want/need to stay connected.

His adult children are too important to leave to his mother’s manipulations. Make every gesture possible – invite them to your home together, during their holidays, to show his continued participation. Learn about their customs and beliefs, and visit their place of worship, to confirm genuine interest.

He must insist that you two visit his parents together.

She won’t want to truly lose him, though she may resist awhile. His family’s attitude may be poisoned temporarily, but some will relent. Most importantly, his children will see commitment to them, plus each other.

I recently attended a house party in which people meeting for the first time were introduced simply by their first name. It was difficult to start conversations with complete strangers, especially as some didn’t speak English well.

So those of us who came together, mostly stayed together. What’s the role of a host/hostess in such circumstances?

Awkward Evening

Consider the guest’s role instead, as hosts’ are bustling about, and/or possibly inexperienced. You can pick up slack and make gentle inquiries directly while introducing yourself more fully:

“John’s an old classmate of mine. Did you meet him through work?”

“How do you make January in this winter city more enjoyable… are you a skier like Mary?”

A friendly smile, an innocent lead to further chat, usually gets grateful responses. Then, you can draw someone you know into the conversation by recounting what you’ve just been talking about, or any commonalities that you’ve discovered.