The story: The wife had confessed to her husband that she wasn’t ready for marriage. Their seven years together was unstable. Finally she left/dumped him.
She’s now back, a different person. The husband decided to give her another chance. She’s settled now, doesn’t want to leave.
However, the husband heard a rumour, which has devastated him… that the reason she’d left was because there was another person in her life. When she dumped her husband, the lover dumped her, and that’s why she came back.
The husband confronted her, but she denied it.
The person who brought the rumour refused to elaborate or reveal its source. If the husband can verify the information, he’d never live with a person who cheated.
What should he do? Also, if you were to give a word of advice to the wife, what would you tell her?
I’ll start with the wife: She should tell him why she left, where she went, and why she came back. If that tale includes the fact of a lover, she should confess, because their marriage is going to be haunted by this rumour anyway.
In fact, the husband is devastated because he’s already assuming it’s true. So he might as well know, as he’s responding to that belief.
If it IS true, she should explain what she felt was missing in their union, which is the underlying reason she left. She should apologize, suggest counselling for both of them, to re-start their marriage with deeper understanding and commitment. If he refuses, so be it.
To the husband, I say, listen closely. If she confesses, weigh her account of what was not working in the marriage, as that also influenced her leaving.
BUT, if she gives a detailed description of her time away that puts the lie to this rumour, he must drop his suspicions and depression, believe her, and be willing to move forward with her.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman unsure whether a man who took her out and paid, was a friend or a “date” (April 19):
Reader – “Years ago, I met a man while doing volunteer work we were both passionate about. He’d later buy us coffees and a sandwich to eat before he walked me to my front door.
“He never showed anything but kindness and the issue of money was handled by my early disclosure that I had little.
“He’d invite me to a “Revue” movie (cheapie, but often to dinner after, too) because he’d otherwise go himself. Initially, he said he very much enjoyed our banter and being with me.
“I’m embarrassed to recall blathering about the “latest” man who I’d met. It became clear he didn’t have the nerve to broach anything more serious with me.
“After seven years, he said he’d met someone and within two weeks, they planned to marry.
“I had no date for their wedding. At the dinner table there, the subject arose as to how such a nice man was available at 39.
“An aunt said he’d been “with” a woman for seven years, but it didn’t work out. Later, one of the bride’s relatives thanked me directly for not marrying the groom because he’d never seen the bride so happy.
“I share this because I regret not thinking about what was obviously right in front of me. I would tell that reader to keep her eyes open always to any softening of the lines... and invite him home one day.”
My boyfriend and I live with his mother, a senior. Her monthly income covers the rent and groceries. He assists with some bills e.g. cable, telephone, etc., but is unemployed. I’m also unemployed but pay weekly board, which I believe should go towards groceries.
His mother and I have argued regarding her using the money for her Bingo addiction. When all her money’s gone, she expects us to pick up items that should come from my board. She states that what she does with her money is her business. Moving out isn’t possible. We plan to leave when we’re both stable financially.
My boyfriend feels stuck in the middle.
She only needs to pay for your meals from your board money. He only helps a little. But she’s feeding and housing three people. You could buy the groceries without handing her the money, IF she still lets you stay.
Tip of the day:
A rumour shouldn’t end a marriage, and even an affair has reasons to consider staying together.