I met a lady online a year ago. She’s from another country and in the process of divorcing.
We have so many coincidences in common, we like each other, and she'd like to move on, divorce, and move here.
I know that she’s doing direct selling for a big international company but she never tells me anything about her work.
What makes me not understand her situation is that the company regularly arranges business trips for her.
And it also arranges two 14-day international luxurious touring trips per year, for her and her husband.
They have to sleep in the same bed under the same sheet, and every night her husband forces her to have sex, and she knew this would happen.
She said she doesn't want it, but has to go with him.
Now another trip is coming up, which really frustrates me.
What should I do? Do ladies really enjoy forced sex like this?
Frustrated and Confused
There’s nothing confusing here – the reality is that she’s conning you.
No woman or man is likely to enjoy “forced” sex, nightly, with someone they no longer care for.
If she has the freedom and will to divorce, she has the freedom and will to say, No.
Also, even if the company’s paying for luxury travel, she has the right to ask for twin beds.
I won’t guess at what her game is, but this woman’s playing a part.
She has you on the hook by making you feel sorry for her, and by suggesting she’ll eventually move to where you are.
Don’t be surprised if she “needs money” to pay for her divorce, her moving expenses, flight tickets, etc.
Start asking direct questions – the name of her company, the terms of her divorce, how she plans to live once she moves to you.
OR, realize that, after a year, you have more questions than real knowledge about this woman. And end it.
My brother’s 36, lives in a European country, and has had a few short-term girlfriends since moving there five years ago.
He’d been with a terrific woman in our hometown for several years before he took this good job so far away, and left her behind.
He’s a terrific guy and has occasionally said he’d like to settle down, but hasn’t met the right woman.
He also admits that the closest he came to getting serious for the long-term, was with that ex-girlfriend. She got married two years later.
I recently heard that she’s divorced. I’m wondering if I should encourage his making contact with her.
I don’t want to annoy him, in case he’ll resent my implication that he moves back here.
He already knows that I deeply miss having my brother close, but gets irritable if I mention this too often.
Your feelings for your brother are natural and admirable, but overdoing efforts to get him to move back, may have the opposite effect.
He may not be able to afford to leave his good job, and may prefer his lifestyle overseas.
He may no longer have an interest in his ex-girlfriend.
However, there’s no harm in passing on the news that she’s divorced… without making suggestions.
He can find her on social media on his own, if he wants to connect in any way.
Nor should you reach out to this woman, as 1) her “divorce” may be a rumour, 2) she may already be with someone else, and 3) Yes, it would be meddling.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose long-time friend came into money and was flaunting it, knowing the woman had far less means.
Reader: “I disagreed with your answer to “cut the woman some slack.”
“No true friend would behave this way.
“Nobody should put up with that attitude. The most generous consideration would be to avoid her awhile, and see if she comes to her senses and settles down in her new situation.
“It’s when situations change that you find out who your friends really are – e.g. If you have a death in the family and someone you considered a close friend shows no sympathy, or if you lose your job and a friend keeps suggesting expensive outings.”
Ellie – “Cutting some slack” is an expression for taking some time to see if she settles down. I could’ve been clearer as I agree that no one has to put up with such repeated insensitivity from an old friend.
Tip of the day:
After a year’s contact, with more questions about someone than answers, you can’t have trust.